The infamous breakdown
A lot of people say SCA did break them, in one way or another. Breaking them and then building them up again. While other people seem like they don’t even care, SCA could never get close to their mental health or mindset.
I do have to say I always thought people who say it broke them are taking it a bit hard. I always felt like for something to really break you, it’s not enough to have a bad time, you really have to be at the end. You have to fucking be at one of the worst points of your life.
SCA is intense, it’s frustrating and loaded with emotional ups and downs, but it’s not as bad as some people make it seem. I had a lot of down days or times where I felt like shit, but that’s not even close to something “breaking” me.
However, one and a half weeks ago I had a massive bad time. Over half term I felt too stressed to fly away to see my friends. After deciding not to take my flight, I felt so sad about not seeing my friends, all I could do is cry for 4 days straight. So instead of enjoying my time OR being super productive, all I did was being really upset for a couple of days. What a waste of time. I lost all my stress, all my ambition and will to get better at what I’m doing.
How fucking mental.
I don’t know what was going on with me. Something in my head snapped and really made me lose all faith in what I’m doing. All motivation was gone from one day to the other and I still can’t explain why that happened. I felt fucking bipolar and had the worst mood swings ever. Just because I didn’t take a flight to see my friends.
It’s difficult to judge what a breakdown is. I still think that’s personal for everyone and some people are maybe a bit more sensitive, but also I felt the worst since a long time because of the most ridiculous reason.
I’ve actually been writing about it when I felt really low, but now I can’t even read the text because the first few lines make me cringe. It’s so irrationally melodramatic and pure madness. I really started questioning everything back then and I felt like nothing really matters. What is the point of it all, of the stress and the pressure of being the best.
I’ve just started to feel a bit less mental again. But today Coco and I have to decide who of us is going to pitch to Richard Curtis with Peter Souter this friday. I really want to go there and I know exactly if I won’t go there, I will be in the same weird mood again. I want to pitch there and I will go mad if I can’t. I will go back to massive mood swings, that I can’t really control.
But having kind of a competition in between your own partnership is such a difficult topic for me. Would it actually make a difference to be there? In my head it does. And when I feel like that, it needs to happen. If I can’t make it happen, it’s gonna be fucking madness.
Looking back at what I learned from not taking my flight: I should take some things a bit easier and stop to over stress so much. You have to take a break sometimes to stay sane.